Shame on you, Lincoln Chafee!  Fie on you, Governor of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations! 

How dare you, spawn of Satan, refer to the 17-foot spruce in front of the Statehouse as a "holiday tree"?!

As the Roman Catholic Church has rightly pointed out, you are nefariously attempting to secularize the holy day of Christmas. After all, as all good Christians know, the most sacred part of Jesus's birth was when Joseph and Mary draped festive candles on the pine tree growing in the desert outside the stable in Bethlehem. 

What's that you say? Lighting a "Christmas" tree during Advent is putting the cart before the horse? The real culprits for secularizing the holiday are "Christmas" sales and "Christmas" music on the radio starting the day after Halloween?

Don't be crazy.

As the Orioles came from behind to slay Ken Burns's mighty Red Sox last evening, I couldn't help but think it was the worst treatment that Bay Staters have received in the Charm City since the Baltimore Riot of 1861, when Confederate partisans attacked the 6th Massachusetts as it passed through the streets to catch a train to Washington, resulting in the first casualties of the Civil War.

There, Mr. Burns, that rib-tickler ought to improve your mood for the day.

Back in April, Sports Illustrated put out its annual Baseball Preview, including projections of how each team would finish the season. I saved this issue because I thought it would be fun to compare their predictions with what actually happened. How did they fare? Pretty badly, it turns out. They successfully predicted two of the eight teams (25%) that made the playoffs: the damn Yankees and (of course) my beloved Phillies. Since eight of the thirty major league teams make it to the playoffs (26.67%), the SI writers might just as well have pulled the names out of a hat randomly. The two teams they picked to make it to the World Series, the Red Sox and the Giants, won't even be in the running this year.

Here's a bit more detail (playoff teams in italics; *wild card winners):

The biggest surprises were how good the Diamondbacks ended up being, and how bad the Twins were. The Indians and Pirates both hung in the race much longer than anyone could have expected. The best teams tended to win more than the experts expected, with the exception of the Red Sox. This season above all, it goes to show that you have to play all 162* games to see how things will turn out (*unless you're the Nationals and Dodgers, who did not make up a rain-out). 

As you ponder the deeper meaning of this chart, please enjoy the following image of the Brooklyn Bridge, and a fine example of American jazz: 

 

My old pal Newt Gingrich hasn't been in the news much lately, but two current events connect back to a post I wrote a while back about him.

First, seemingly everyone has been befuddled with the sudden success of the Libyan rebels in taking control of the country. After all, experts like li'l Newtie argued against intervening in Libya in the first place since there was no way it would lead to the fall of Qadaffy, despite what experts like li'l Newtie had been claiming. What was the turning point in the war, pray tell? None other than the sage advice of our own Gerrit. 

Second, you may have heard during the Tea Party-created debt crisis this summer that Republicans were against any type of "job-killing" tax increase on rich folks. Well, it turns out the modern heirs of Lincoln, Grant, and TR have no such qualms when the tax increase affects primarily low-income workers. Why would they be against a tax cut that even President Obama is for? I'll let House majority leader Eric Cantor (in Groucho glasses) explain it for you:

I thought I'd remedy the remarkable lack of coverage of the royal wedding yesterday with a breaking scoop. Early word out of Buckingham Palace reports that Prince Phillip "bloody well enjoyed" the right of prima noctis last evening with Kate Middleton.

The 2log has a long and distinguished history of "following" the ins and outs of the "Twitter." Lately, Syd's been carrying the torch. "Tweeters" have been causing "revolutions" in "Libya" and other parts of the "Third World."

Now the world-shaking "twitnology" is bringing us news of the Turd World.

On March 15th, Anaheim Angels All-Star outfielder Torii Hunter was excited to be traveling on his first road trip of the spring (veteran players whose positions are secure often get to stay back while those who are trying to make the big league roster ride the bus to away games).

A few hours into the bus trip, however, tragedy occurred:

Soon the situation became violent:

Fortunately, our hero proved resourceful:

To this day, the origins of the incident remain mysterious.

If you have further information on this matter, please contact us at PoopScoop@2log.biz.

If you are a loyal 2log reader, you have no doubt come to depend on us for hard-hitting coverage of all the news on Newt Gingrich from several days ago.

Well, Li'l Newtie has popped his head up again this week. This time he is turning heads by criticizing President Obama for his decision to intervene in Libya. By doing so, he is contradicting those who called for immediate action earlier this month, such as ... Newt Gingrich, who on March 7th said he would "Exercise a no-fly zone this evening, communicate to the Libyan military that Gadhafi was gone and that the sooner they switch sides, the more like they were to survive, provided help to the rebels to replace him." (Note: He's not the only one who's flip-flopped on this issue.)

Your humble reporter has dug up rare footage of Newt (wearing Groucho glasses) speaking earlier this week on how he formulates his positions on issues.

You may have heard last week that Newt Gingrich explained his extra-marital affairs by saying, "partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, ... I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

Unsurprisingly, this is not the only patriotic excuse that Li'l Newtie has offered in recent weeks. In a 2log exclusive, your humble reporter is pleased to present the following top ten list:

Have you ever suddenly laughed at something that you saw or heard minutes or hours before, but didn't immediately "get"? As an example, I might suggest an episode of Arrested Development, where much of the humor is hidden on first viewing. I hereby present the world's record for longest delayed reaction to a joke of this type. As a bonus, it relates to two current events: Libya and fantasy league baseball (as you no doubt know, the Semi-Employed All-Stars--including Sam, Winston, this author, and 2logger demeritus Benjamin P. Masten--will hold their draft later this week).

When I was a kid, my dad and I were involved in a fantasy league with various people from our church. I was the youngest member, but there was another kid, a few years older than me, who I looked up to. He called his team the "Qadaffi Qducks," which caused much head-scratching among the other members in the league. I think we all were aware that Qadaffi was the "Mad Dog of the Middle East," but we just didn't see what Mark was going for with his team name. He may not have, either--as I recall, his explanation was that he got it out of a book or magazine or something.

Jump forward many years, and I suddenly had a flash of insight. Ho ho, what a brilliant name!

*** BREAKING NEWS***

I have to update my "Bottom 10 Composers of All Time" list from a few weeks ago. No, I'm not talking about Milton Babbitt, who became eligible yesterday by ending all composition activities to begin decomposition.

Instead, there has to be room on my list for whoever composed this raucous aria: